xiii: you said move on (where do i go)

title: Comfort zone
date: Friday, May 8, 2009
time:9:59 PM

Long post. Buy some starbuck drinks before you read.
oh, and it's a angry post. (:

Comfort Zone.
Comforting?
Not exactly if you'd think about it properly.

What happens if your comfort zone gets more and more suffocating?
And eventually your comfort zone becomes a thin line for you to stand,
no place to even sit back and relax.
Everything seems to be a blur;
same people; same places;
yet different situations.
What will YOU do?
Stay? or Run?

Will you still stay in your comfort zone and do the uncomfortable things that used to be comfortable?
I don't know.
For me, I will leave for good.

My comfort zone changes constantly.
I'm so used to constant changing, so used to it that,
i think i need someone to grab me tight and hold me down.
Constant changing is tearing me apart.
Part of me got lost in changes.
I guess I can't stop changing; because i can't find myself yet.
I'm all over the places, i can't piece myself up.
So many pieces of me here and there, so many memories got left behind.
Heartache, when i think about it.
I want to break away.
really.

The best part is, when i lost myself,
i never found myself back.
Never.

So, i chose to run.
Run for cover and build another comfort zone.
I meet people, i open up.
They tore it down again.

Built, opened, destroyed.
same process.
this is the only constant in my life, "build-open-destroyed".
Pathetic as it seems; nothing seems to change.
Can't explained in another sense.
And i'm used to it.

Friends?
They are pressurizing to me.
Not to all though, i am lucky, i have a few good ones.

I need freedom, I am bad at guessing.
You guys have to tell me what you all want.
Don't ask me to do things that i don't want to do.
Don't force me, and i'm not talking about work-wise (school and workplace), i'm talking about friendship-wise.

Another issue
I can't read mind; i don't like to analyse people.
Because this would make you all seems like an animal.
Space people! I need space.
YOU NEED SPACE.
I need air.
YOU NEED AIR.
I am a thinker.
YOU ARE A THINKER TOO.
We're all adults, let's admit that we are all special and unique.
We are different in character, styles, fashion, thinking, culture and upbringing.
We all work in different ways.
You can't force me to do the things i don't like.

When it comes to thinking, i can't stop at nothing.
This is in my blood, i freaking think.
Sigh.

Nobody understands.
I need freedom, i need space.
I need people who cares about me and not get angry at trivial matters with me.
I need you guys to understand i am tired of expressing who i am.
I want to be accepted for who i am.
I know i come and go whenever i like, but you all have been on my mind.
Not that you guys are trash, but this is me.
I cant stick around for long;
because i need excitement.
I run around, I don't stick.
To the contrary, if you're someone important to me, i will get clingy.
I DONT KNOW, THIS IS ME.
ME.

I don't care anymore.
I dont want to feel for other people anymore.
I'm gonna do what Ashley said last time.
"YOU, and only YOU, YOURSELF MATTERS TO YOURSELF THE MOST"
Don't ask me what should i do,
because i jolly well knows what i need to do for myself.
Dont tell me that i should fuck this and that, i dont want to listen.

I'm fed up with friendship shits.
Shit happens, and it happens to me always.
I'm stopping; no more of all those stuffs.
I'm gonna stop thinking.
no more bffs, friends, buddy, brother, sister, darling, dear, partner, lesbian partner , besties, fake-bfs, and whatever shit that it was used to be.

I'm lost again.
Fuck comfort zone.
Fuck friends.
Fuck everyone that tears me apart.
fuck you, fuck you guys upside down.
Fuck you all.

I shall let my guard down, and see who catches me by then.
I hope it's you.
Yet i shall not put high hopes on you anymore.
Because i know, it wont be anyone.
Done, period.

I dont believe in Love anymore, all sorts of love.
Lying asses, i hope your pants are on fire!
aigoooo!

Taken from a blog i always read.

"Pressure builds. With no outlet. Leads to more pressure building, which leads to anxiety.

We seek relief and scan for whats around us.

We shower our affections on those that we would usually not bother, or to those who don't appreciate it.

We get hurt by their nonchalance, or because we deep down, we know they don't really deserve our affections in the first place or don't really appreciate it at all.

What happens. When you have too much love to give? And no place to put it?"

So true. (cited from : http://tiradeagainsthumanity.blogspot.com/)

Out with aloy, watched star trek!
and it's nice.
It's been such a long time since i catch up with him.
But it's nice going out with him again! (:

Labels: let's run again

comment? / top