Some real stuffs.
I've been very bitchy and childish these few days.


You can choose to listen,
you can choose to rant over it,
you can choose to think about all the bad things about me,
but, i am still being me.

My mood is crazy now; really crazy.
All over the places.
I was given a choice to be supervisor at first.
I rejected.
The reason why i rejected was mainly because of responsibility.
I hate responsibility.
I hate being serious at all times.
I hate to change this part of me.
I'm so afraid that when i take up this job, I won't be the me anymore.
I will be possessive, over-bearing, controlling, (fuck!) and being one hell of a bitch to others.
But i still accepted it.


The money tempted me to do so.
Because my family is not well-off.
that's the reason why.
That's the damn reason why i took up the title.
and i feel cheap, way fucking cheap.
How can i sell my life away?!

While i walked home,
i hated my family for not giving me the money, my school fees.
because i want to learn so many things.
I want to do so many things i love.
But i can't.
Because my family is poor, not rich.
and i need to work.
I know everyone is tired, i know.
I am too.
Very tired and sick of it.

But when i stopped walking halfway,
my panic attacks came to me suddenly,
i nearly reached a breakdown point.
I dont know.
Everyone is fighting for nothing.
and i realised, i am fighting for nothing too.
I am fighting for nothing that i love..
Nothing..
I know Dad is suffering from his job.
and his pay is damn fucking little bit.
But the fact is, i dont understand why,
i dont understand why is he always being so pushy, so demanding?

I think don't know really know anyone of you guys beside me right?
I dont think i know myself anymore.
I dont know what i want in my life anymore.


This is a turning point in my life.
I gotta need to find the purpose in my life.
I feel ugly even though i got the blinks blinks.
I need to take up responsibility;
i need to learn.
I need to grow up.
I need to stop crying and stop getting panic attack.
I need to be mature yet be myself away.


I need time for myself now.
yet again. (:

Labels: tired and ugly

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